Posted by: Ryan McDonald | September 8, 2008

The top 5 Hybrids… that I could find in 10 minutes on the internet.

As gas prices fluctuate more than Kirste Alley’s weight between Star Trek movies, the general public starts to look for alternative ways to beat the sticker shock at the pump. If you’re like me, you’ve done a little digging already; $40 for 3/4 of a tank is a good incentive to get your Google on. Who has the time and know-how to sieve through tens of thousands of “water = gas” and quack science sites to find some real information nowadays? Well… I sure as hell don’t, but I did have a bit of time before the Sarah Connor Chronicles came on so sit back and enjoy the punch-drunk randomness that is:

The Top 5 Hybrids that I could find in ten minutes on the internet!

Hybrid #1: XR-3, build-it-yourself hybrid car

That’s right! With a little bit of elbow grease, some simple tools and an extra $20K or so lying around, you too could build your own Hybrid Car! There are a LOT of Do It Yourself Hybrid sites out there and a majority of them are absolute trash; old “plans” that have more chance of blowing off an arm than saving you any gas, but…

The fine folks at Robert Q. Riley Enterprises have kits available with CDs, a DVD and the AutoCAD files for you to print and then assemble your own car.

The cars look like a Buckminster Fuller meets Tron creation and are powered by a battery pack in the front and a tractor engine in the rear.

They will also have kits available for those of us who don’t have the ability to form the composite body for said car, and eventually have actual cars available for those of us who can’t actually do it ourselves.

Hybrid #2: The annoying babbly Hybrid chick from BattleStar Galactica!

Hey, I didn’t say all the hybrids would be cars, right? I mean, c’mon! If I were to research good, quality hybrid cars on the internet, it would be, like research or something, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna do that now am I?

She’s the 21st century Peg Bundy sans the red beehive; this backseat base ship driver lays around all day, annoying everyone by talking nonstop about crap nobody cares about while soaking in the tub… but she’s got one pretty cool superpower; she stays crispy even in milky goo! Fifteen minutes in the tub and I look like a pink California Raisin. She can stay in glowy HeMan Slime for YEARS and never get wrinkly or pruny! Just imagine what Sylar would do with that ability… and don’t think he won’t when the inevitable crossover happens. Hell, they’ve got to make some money after the execs take what used to be my favorite tv series’ and flush them down the drain even more. *sigh*

Hybrid #3: Grapple!

It’s not a grape. It’s not an apple. It’s an abomination of science and should be destroyed. I dunno who gets whom drunk in the grapple mating process, but it sure can’t be pretty.

From the GrappleFruits Website:

“This Patent Pending process is complex and the ingredient mix primarily includes concentrated grape flavor and pure water. All ingredients are USDA and FDA approved and the process has been licensed by the Washington State Department of Agriculture.”

Who the hell buys these? How the hell they’re still in business? Parents, here’s a tip: When you have to flavor an APPLE like candy in order to get your kids to eat it, you might as well give up.

Hybrid #4: The Alien-Predator Hybrid from AVP2!

I loved the Dark Horse Alien & Predator comic book franchises. The scene in Aliens vs. Superman where Supes finally gets back to Earth as the new alien queen is about to burst out of his chest but he gets a blast of yellow sun and it gets crushed in his abdomen instead… Aaah! SO cool! Don’t even get me started on Predator vs. Batman either…

So, when the long-awaited Alien Vs. Predator movie came out, I was first in line… and the first one to toss my jujubees at the screen when it turned out to be an abslute turd. I mean, c’mon. Who cares about the humans… let’s see some A on P action!

To add insult to injury, they come out with another steaming pile of a film, this one is not an action movie, but a schlocky horror flic. The star: this Jamaican Venom wannabe above. Maybe in another ten years someone with real vision will be able to “re-imagine” the franchise, but until then it’s deader than Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash.

Hybrid #5: The Liger

Made famous by Napoleon Dynamite, the Liger actually exists, albeit normally only in captivity. Wiki: “The liger is a hybrid cross between a male lion and a female tiger (i.e, Panthera leo × Panthera tigris). A liger resembles a tiger with diffused stripes.”

The female ligers are freakin’ HUGE too, weighing approximately 700 lbs and reaching 10 feet long on average.

Aside from their use as mounts for princes of Eternia, the Liger appears to like the company of hippies of european descent, drink from bottles like iddle kwitty kwats and maul people who defame them on the interne….

AAARRRGGHH!! NOT IN MY PRETTY FACE!! WHY LIGER, WHYYYYYYY??!

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Responses

  1. Who knew the salsa would cha cha it’s way onto a top 5 list with the Rasta Predator? Ryan, you are clearly the greatest Googler of all time!


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